‘Sex’ and ‘mums’ in the same sentence might make your mind immediately flick to your own ma. Feeling a little angsty? “Surely she doesn’t… Not mum. Not my mummy… nope. ”

Take a seat, my friend. It’s time to examine our weirdness about mums getting jiggy with it. That common squeamishness is one of the key reasons that mothers have been historically desexualised and excluded from mainstream conversations around all things erotic.

There is however, one sanitised vision of motherhood that has risen to peak sexual status. Enter, the MILF phenomenon.

What is a MILF?

So, what is a MILF? An acronym of ‘Mom I’d Like To Fuck’, the term emerged in the noughties as frat boy shorthand for a particular object of sexual desire. If we take it back to the American Pie days of yore, the Right Honourable Jennifer Coolidge is a prime example of a MILF. Respect, by the way, to the Coolidge-esque mums out there. (As Fountains of Wayne might say, you’ve got it going on).

Older, glamorous, sexually experienced but mysterious, a MILF is confident yet coquettish. She’s impossibly knowing and yet will be in awe of your sexual prowess. Body like a race track, pout of a goddess, slicked in Victoria’s Secret shimmering gloss. It’s a pretty common fantasy but for the most part, it is just that: a fantasy.

Let's Get Real

The reality is this: the MILF phenomenon yassifies the experience of motherhood. Eye bags and late nights airbrushed away like a selfie, stretch marks and mastitis bouts blurred and buffed softly out of sight. Not a hint of worries in the night about school trip fees or estranged relationships with adult children. A MILF has never quietly put back a box of cereal that’s too expensive for the weekly shopping budget, nor had to step out a meeting as the menopausal hot flushes render them partially liquid.

That’s not to say that motherhood is a total sex-less slog. Podcasts including Made by Mammas brilliantly address the multi-faceted, nuanced nature of parenthood, particularly for those with vaginas. What it is time for is recognising that the unattainable ideal of mums as va-va-voom sexbots isn’t the only, or even the majority, of their real experiences.

Because actually, a lot of mums have sex (trust us, we’ve asked). Filthy sex, loud sex, vanilla sex, group sex, quickies and slow, langourous ones, absolutely adequate sex and of course, good old wanking. Young mums, old mums, inbetweeners and grandmas: they’re watching porn, listening to erotica and sexting up a storm. So, why don’t we see them represented in mainstream conversations about sex?

When it comes down to it, there is no one ‘mum’ entity. Mums aren’t a monolith. When we put ‘sex’ and ‘mum’ in the same sentence, it’s time to stop defaulting to the the white, grey-haired, older lady in a cardigan trope - or the sex kitten at the school gates.

Why we need to break the stigma around mums and sex

It’s important to put this conversation on the broader societal agenda because it links back to perceptions of women. These stereotypes and myths end up impacting our health.

Take post-pregnancy. They might seem like the least sexy moments of your life, but there are plenty of mums out there getting their bone on swiftly after giving birth. It's not a commonly discussed topic, but you can actually get pregnant again as little as three weeks after having a baby, even if you’re breast-feeding and your periods haven’t returned. We need better resources and open conversation to make sure new mums are aware of this risk, as unplanned pregnancies have been shown to have a huge impact on mental health. Head here for Dr HANX’s guide to contraception for postpartum sex, plus tips on how to navigate painful sex.

Balancing a career, parenthood and the complexities of life as a human being can leave depression, anxiety or issues with sex - and this is a problem for many. Stigma reinforces society’s already awkward attitude to sex and can isolation. Put it this way: if you have no one to talk to when your sex life is going well, who the hell are you going to talk to when it’s not? 

Similarly, the rise in STIs in older adults is evidence of a real need to talk openly and without blushes about the realities of unprotected sex - for all generations. We need more inclusive representation in sexual wellness campaigns (we’re on the case!) and accessible, stigma-free services for all, no matter what life stage.

What Mums Really, Really Want

From new mums navigating nappies to mums taking on the menopause, our natural, gynae-backed and ultra-gentle sexual wellness essentials are the gift they don't know they need.

The Bestsellers Bundle brings together our most-wanted HANX hits in one handy set - and you can get 25% off with the code MUTHA.

• Alongside our spermicide, numbing agent and flavouring free condoms (which are certified vegan!), the bundle includes a slippery hero.
• Our Co-Founder Sarah, AKA Dr HANX, used her experience on NHS gynaecology and obstetrics wards to design our own water-based lube. It’s formulated with just six ingredients and is pH balanced to be as close to the real thing as possible, making it a great gift for pregnant or post-partum people on your gift list (and the non-baby-ied-up crew, too).
• It’s also great for our menopausal mums in the house, as it tackles vaginal dryness - something that made Trinny Woodall give us major thumbs up. Massive bonus point: it’s safe to use with silicone toys, unlike silicone-based lubes which can break down the material of your new toy - and the latex of condoms.
• It's all tucked into our organic cotton zip pouch for handy stashing.

From mum sex to johnnies, talk taboo topics with our community on HANX Life, our free, anonymous forum.