A Beginner's Guide To Getting Into Polyamory
Spotted friend of HANX, Big Clit Energy over on our TikTok? A sex positive, polyam creative, Nicole's candid, hilarious takes on sex are always bang on - so who better to tackle one of the dating trends our community is most curious about? As we encourage getting playful this festive season with our 3 Way Cracker, it's over to our resident expert to help you explore the polyamorous way of life...
"Polyamory! You might have heard about this unconventional relationship style since Google searches have increased by 500% in the past 2 years. It is typically defined as the practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships with the consent of all people involved. So, how does one get into a polyamorous relationship (polyam for short)?
Ready everything you can.
It’s always the first thing we do when we’re feeling curious. A good place to start would be to learn about different relationship styles under the umbrella term of non-monogamy, because there are lots of different types e.g. polyamory vs. non-monogamy. If you’re a keen reader and want a bit more information, my two core book recommendations are The Ethical Slut and Polysecure - the former being a bit dated now and the latter only coming out in 2020. Not everyone has the time to consume a whole book, so why not try out a podcast like Multiamory? It offers support and advice for modern relationships.
Follow polyamorous people on social media.
This is a great way to surround yourself virtually with polyamorous people, particularly if you don’t know any polyam people IRL. Embracing a polyamorous lifestyle is probably going to feel a bit strange at first because we’ve grown up in a society infatuated with monogamous love stories, from Disney Princesses to your daily soaps. I found it helps to follow polyam people living a life that I potentially want to live, plus they usually post educational content too. A couple of people to follow: Ruby Rare, Poppy Scarlett and polyphiliablog.
Find Polyamorous/ Non-monogamous friends.
The next step is following polyamorous mixers on socials and then, if you’re feeling brave, go to meet people IRL. In the UK, a great mixer is the ENM Fam London, who are a very friendly and welcoming bunch. Or if that’s too daunting straight away, why not try out the non-monogamous dating app, Feeld? Yes, it’s a dating app but it’s likely where you’re going to find like-minded people for friendship, too. Just ensure you’re clear with your platonic intentions from the get go. On the other hand, it’s also a great place to meet romantic and sexual love interests. Who would have thought?
Now it’s time to look for a partner (or two, or three!).
As I already mentioned, Feeld is a great app for polyamorous people. You might struggle to find the polyam folk on monogamous-focused dating apps, but they’re still on there if you look hard enough (or add a cheeky hint in your profile!). A spicier alternative and if you’re also into kink is a kinky club night. The famous Klub Verboten is known for its heavy techno, kink and fetish wear dress code and dungeon-equipment-clad playrooms. Polyamorous people tend to flock to these kink nights, perhaps drawn by the open-mindedness needed for both kink and non-traditional relationship styles.
Let’s talk about jealousy for a minute.
It’s a common misconception that polyamorous people don’t get jealous but even people with years of experience in polyamorous relationships still experience jealousy. Even in monogamous relationships, jealousy can still be an issue so don’t let that stop you from exploring polyamory.
There’s no one way to overcome jealousy in relationships, both monogamous and polyamorous, but reflecting on your feeings is a good place to start. Be prepared to be honest with yourself and your partner about how you’re feeling.
Set aside time to unpack your own conditioning of monogamy.
Last bit of advice to end on: it’s tough out there and there’s a lot to unpack emotionally and psychologically.
- Reflect on how you feel about polyamory as you go along in your journey.
- Write it down.
- Talk to friends.
- Talk to partners - there's going to be a lot of communication.
Finally, don’t be too hard on yourself. You can never be fully prepared. There’s no one way to “do” polyamory. So be brave and give it a try."